Ass Porn (Hope That’s Ok With You)

Yes, ladies and germs, I present ASS PORN.

Why is it “porn,” you ask?  Because there is such a selfish vibe, a predominant me-me-me about all of this, that it is akin to prostitution: receiving what you want with the least amount of effort.  And since I’m sharing it with you all, the exhibitionism makes it pornographic.  I hope that makes sense.
And why “ASS porn?”  Because, ladies and germs, when you see what I’ve done here, the permanent cushion upon which you rest even now as you read, that sweet, mellon-shaped keister, that butterty buttocks, that amazing fat puddle you call your ass, will simply cry out in rapture at what has been wrought today.

I bought the Road Zeppelin seat for my bike.

And the Tao says,

When people see some things as beautiful,
other things become ugly.

And so it is.

Installation took me 30 minutes.  Here’s why: there are too many goddam wires. The first wire under the seat I found was a two-prong female clip. Wrong! Then I removed the side cover and found 2 6-prong female clips: gray and black. Which one is correct? NEITHER. Those were the O2 sensors I tucked next to the ABS module after installing the Power Commander V.

WRONG! What's this for anyway?

Derrrrrrrrr under the nest of wires in front of the battery, there’s 1 accessory plug.  If you want anything additional, like a heated whatever, you need to buy a Y-cable.  You only get 1 for free.  I went with the Road Zeppelin.

WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT A ROAD ZEPPELIN??

I could explain it but, again with the ancient wisdom, I will direct you to some photos.  I sign off saying, if I treated my brain as well as I’m treating my ass, I would be a doctor right now.  Go USA.

Road Zeppelin (Left) vs Stock Seat (Right)

Hey, watch this:

The stock seat fits entirely within the bucket of the Road Zeppelin seat.

And the money shots!

Oh baby!!

And with the saddlebags on, the proportions work a bit better.

I won’t do a formal review on the seat since it’s a seat, and my ass is different from your ass, and so forth … but I will mention any problems that come up, if any.

Note: I bought this seat online. I found a guy in the midwest (Surdyke) selling for 20% lower than Harley’s MSRP.

Answers to Common Questions: 2010 FLHRC

What’s special about a Harley?

This can, and has, been addressed countless times in the last 80 years or so.  In short, it’s a brand that represents the United States of America, folding in all the good (“freedom,” that elusive/illusory/lucid bird) and bad (AMF:motorcycles :: Inflation/War : U.S. lifestyles    … more or less).

 

Doncha have to be over 50 to ride a touring bike?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH AH HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

 

What are the differences between a 2009 and 2010 Road King Classic?

There are 3 significant ones.

1.  The 2010 has a catalytic converter.  The cat SUCKS – it makes the pipes warmer (it collects the exhaust and “processes” it, but does it slower than the exhaust flows so it builds up and creates excessive heat.  The cat also robs you of that delicious Harley sound you want so badly.

I hear you can drill it out, but that’s a violation of something.  On the practical side of things, it’s unlikely anyone will ever give a damn or notice.  No one expects a Harley to run around neutered.

You can also swap the pipes out – not slip-ons, but a full system.  These are usually six bills to a grand, depending on what you want.  True duals are the real deal, but you can get a 2-into-1 system for better performance and a whole lotta ugly.  IMHO, of course…

Baby loves a pair of fishtail endcaps on them SuperTrapp slip-ons, yeah!

2.  Helical cut 5th gear.  You know how when you downshift to first when coming to a light, or when pulling away you rev 1st too high – and 1st gear whines? That’s a straight-cut gear.  It’s stronger, but it’s noisy.  The rest of the gears were helical cut to ride more smoothly (sound & performance), except for 5th — up until now.  5th gear was the “top” gear for a while, and so it’d have to put up with lugging when people were too lazy to downshift and with revving when people had no where to shift and needed more horsepower.  We’ve sorted that out with a 6th gear now, but the MoCo didn’t switch the construction of the 5th gear when adding the 6th gear because that would have been a much more complicated design issue.  They took their time with it, and now we have it.

I can’t say when touring bikes got a 6th gear tranny.

Image ruthlessly stolen from the internet.

3. Cost – MSRP for a Road King is $17k, and MSRP for a Road King Classic is $18k.  Typically, you should expect to haggle about $1k off.  ABS is $845 for the 2010 models, up from $835 for 2009 models.

OTHER Differences between FLHR and FLHRC (“Classic” vs Standard Road King) – The biggest difference is the saddlebags.  The classic has them as plastic units upholstered in leather, then worked and tooled and badged with leather fasteners over plastic fasteners.  The standard Road King has, I believe, metal saddlebags with nice latches.

Other differences include:

• The wheels – Classic’s front wheel is 16″ instead of 17″, and they’re spoked and whitewalled instead of whatever’s on the standard
• The sexiness
• The Classic has cruise control stock, the standard Road King has it as an option (more $)
• The seats are different, but they’re stock seats so it’s up to you which is better

Last up (for now – and hopefully I remember to edit this rather than post a follow-up if I think of more additions…):

The standard is never as classy as the Classic.

 

Is the Stage II 103 ci kit worth it?

WORTH EVERY PENNY!!!  Read the entries herein with “Stage II” tags and you’ll get the picture.

 

 

First Ride Report: 2010 FLHRC + Stage II 103″ Kit + SuperTrapp Slip-Ons

H

O

L

E

E

G

A

W

D

!

!

!

!

I must use more expletives so that the formatting works (I put pictures in) … don’t worry, it’s easy!

HOLY SHIT, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BIKE?

HOLY EARTH-F%(*@#)$*, NINJA-SHITTING #$%@!^#& !!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW!

Hooooooooooooooooo baby !!!!

I have one thing to say that isn’t glowing praise: the SuperTrapp fishtails are shockingly soft.  They’re barely a notch above stock.  It’s a little bit of a let-down.  I don’t need to sound like an asshole, but I want a little roar.  A little something.

Now, everything …. sweet son of a bitch, it’s gorgeous.  This bike is too good for me, or for any mortal man.

Rather than give a detailed blow-by-blow on everything, I’ll just focus on one thing per entry.  Except this entry, where I’ll give general responses to a weekend of riding, and then a ride report on coming home from the dealer (the 30-mile break-in).

Gotta ride!!

In General

The ride quality is 10/10.  The lil’lady was unhappy with the stock pillon seat – as compared with the old bike, where the pillon was a separate cushion a few inches above the rider seat, the RKC’s stock seat is flush and thinner.  So she felt closer, lower, and less cushioned.  New seat is top priority.

The suspension is perfect.  Lots of bumps and it’s no problem.  There is a difference riding solo vs 2-up, and I’ll check the manuals for recommended shocks and tire PSI for 2-up touring.

Handling is great, though I admit I’m not fully used to it.  Put on a little over 110 miles this weekend but she still feels heavy.  Had to put my feet down twice during tight turns, and I noticed that if I was doing a bad job, the passenger floorboards would slice across my calf muscles when deployed.  Makes a bad situation worse.  I’ll keep taking it easy.

Now, the part you’re all eager for: the engine performance!  The Stage II kit  FUCKING ROCKS!

96" Big Twin with Stage II Big Bore Kit, expanded to 103"

As in,

OH

MY

GOD

If you rev up in 1st, pop into 2nd, and wail on the throttle, you get a feeling like you’re falling except you’re going forward.  If you don’t feather the clutch but just pop it out, you FLY forward like mr sulu just engaged the warp drive.  It’s so tight, so quick, so beefy, you can get away with a Star Trek reference.  Seriously.

I got my money’s worth and I got that pep I was looking for.  I went riding in some mild twisties with my brother on his sportster, and while I was hesitant to open up all the way and beat on the engine during the first 100 miles, I was able to show him up in this corner or that straight run every now and then (at least as much as he did me).  I’m hungry to get out, solo, and see how much she can scream.

Oh yeah, she needs a name.

The handlebars – the heritage bars – are excellent! Truly excellent…I was extremely comfortable at all speeds, and with the highway pegs, I felt like a million bucks.  The lady remarked her feet got very cold when I moved my feet to the pegs. Looks like I’ll get her to wear boots after all (instead of Uggs, the ugliest shoes a woman can wear, unless she’s super fat and it looks normal on her).

And I’ll post more remarks as time goes on – a lot happened this week and hopefully I can get it all down.

The Ride Home From The Dealer

This ride report is my break-in.  You can find lots of different numbers on the internet about how many miles it takes to break in the piston rings.  Motoman says 20, others say 30, or 50, and manufacturers tend to say either 100 or 500.  All agree that the break-in is done in majority over a short period, and then finished (the remaining 10-25%) over the course of a few hundred miles.  The rate tapers off quickly, or, if you want to get technical, decays exponentially.

The Long Branch dealer (and they get their own write-up soon, suffice to say they over charged me a$700 and threw in nothing, but were otherwise good and I’ll go back to them for my warranty work no-problem) is about 30 miles from my house.  I figured the ride home would be the break-in, so I read up and talked to people and made my decision.

On the lot, the dealer told me to never keep the same speed for more than a few seconds, and he asked me to call him when I arrived home to let him know the bike ran alright (and it had just started raining, but I’m sure he didn’t care if I made it home, haha).  And that was what I’d decided to do anyway.

Of COURSE, wouldn’t you know it, as my first maneuver, I stalled.  The brand new bike has a brand new clutch, and hot dog if it isn’t particular! My 8 year old Volusia shifts like butter.  The Road King shifts like you’re shaking hands with a robot.  But that’s ok, it’s new, and it’s a performance clutch, and it’s a different breed of bike.  I got used to it (though I will definitely switch the tranny oil in the hopes of shifting more smoothly).

But I got going – I actually stuck my camcorder in the lil’lady’s car and recorded my whole ride home, but it’s long and I don’t think anyone would want to watch it if I YouTube’d it. I spun up through all the gears and went by the sound of the engine more than the speedometer.  A little green light went on eventually, and it looked like a ‘5’ and I got scared, thinking my transmission was only a 5-speed.  Could they have done something that stupid? Then I looked closer (hard to do at 90 mph) and it was a 6.  I was elated.

I took the Garden State Parkway home, even though obviously they say not to take freeways.  I had my chase car in place, and she had her hazards on (and I mine) and we varied from 45 to 95 on the way.  I figured that, especially since it was starting to rain, people would see us both with hazard lights on and go around us – and that happened.  Then, those idiots drove almost slower than us, or they went only a little faster, which meant we had to go around them to move my RPM’s up a few moments later.  So we had to go around.  Eventually, I simply pulled away and went on my own, not really worried about tailgaters.

Nose over the Heritage bars, out the garage, through all that autumn.

The Garden State was very pretty, actually, with all the leaves still up and still bright.  Anything’s a twisty if you go fast enough, and I was pulling along nicely.  The windshield was fantastic – I forgot how nice they are, having taken my old one off the Volusia about a day after riding her.  Come to think of it, I took the Road King’s windshield off on Sunday.  Old habits, I guess.  But I’ll put it back on soon – it got cold after a few hours in the wind in the mountains.

I would lean into the curves at speed and the bike was extremely confident in leaning.  All that weight fell to my advantage as I tipped over and righted, again and again.  There’s a creamy feeling to that bike that is simply worth every penny.  It’s worth anyone teasing you about riding an old man bike (and not, say, the Heritage Softail or Deluxe – the most gorgeous bikes still in production).  The Heritage, beautiful as it is, and comfortable as it is, can never handle like my Road King.  At least not in my hands, which is what matters to me.  I think of the Softails as overgrown Sportsters – a light frame, very agile, very quick, and often wanting for grace.  The King rolls around corners the way I imagine a whale to swim – huge, yes, but perfectly smooth.  Guess the ubiquitous comparison to boats isn’t far off.

Harley makes driveway happy!

And man, she pulls.  The SE255 cams are known for “coming on early” which is a lay-translation of “providing air for combustion and then closing less recent in the cycle than stock cams” though I suppose that’s a layman’s explanation itself.  In short, the cams of an engine control the air flow to the combustion chamber (the space above the piston where the spark plug is causing the fuel to ignite) – and in effect, this allows you to change the “focus” of the engine from horsepower to torque, or vice versa, and to further control where in the RPM band the peak efficiencies are.  So long story short, the bike can pull away from a dead stop extremely well (high torque in the low range), but at top speed it takes more work to go from 90 to 100mph than it would take a higher horsepower bike.  In practice, this translates to a huge Christmas-Morning grin everytime you hit a stop light and waddle to the front of the line.

When I made it home, the odometer read “000040” on the nose.

40 Miles from the lot to my driveway. I hate that I didn't take a picture of the "000012" when I picked it up.

And that picture isn’t too sexy, so here’s another:

Rode down the street to the piers for a few pictures.

My ride, ladies and gentlemen.